Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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