This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
