Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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