this beer tastes like vomit already
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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