I think my fart just growled at me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
