Already got asked if we're dating
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
