I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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