Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
