Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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