i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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