Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Did you just see the Batmobile???
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
