I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
