I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
