Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
