Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
