we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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