hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
