This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
