half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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