Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
