I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
