i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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