Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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