She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
