I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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