you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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