Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
