After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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