i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
