I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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