the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
