if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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