I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
