He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
