Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
