but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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