When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
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