High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
