If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
