Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
