I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
