Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
