two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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