The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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