he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
