I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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