can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
