My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
