there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I need to stop coming to work sober
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
