when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
