My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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