I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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