So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
