Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
