OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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