I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
