Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
