Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
