Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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