Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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