there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
